Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
