I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize