I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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