I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
