No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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