my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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