I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
