why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize