If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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