1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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