i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
