I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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