No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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