I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's the barista slut.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
