I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
