The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize