When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
