Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
