Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Bring me that man meat
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
