Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
