out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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