Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize