Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
