8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
