you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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