I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
