I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Me too!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
