No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
