there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
