Pappa wants mamma naked
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
