I'm gonna have a badass scar
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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