a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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