I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
