it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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