Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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