I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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