ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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