I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So much rum. So many feels.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
