Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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