If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
