Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
