you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
