Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
