I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
