this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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