Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
