My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
