the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's official drugs can't kill me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
