dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
