This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
