It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
MIDGETS
????
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
