You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
