I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
