Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
