just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
