Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
