i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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