does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
