mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
