her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
