How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
