My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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