If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
